Warning May Be Offensive Read at Risk

Don't Mess With Old Ladies


Defence Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"

Little Old Lady: "I am 70 years old."

Defence Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"

Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."

Defence Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defence Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."

Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."

Defence Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago."

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."

Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."

Defence Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'"

Defence Attorney: "Did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fools!' and started to run off









...that's when I shot him, the little b*****d

hatshepsut

That was a great laugh Hats, I really enjoyed that. Ok, my contribution.

An elderly lady in a retirement home, decided that when she turned 70 that she was going to take off all her clothes and streak through her own party. So the day of her 70th birthday, she goes to her room, takes off all her clothes and streaks through the dining room where her party was being hosted. Two elderly gents on the side lines witnessing this display said to each other,

1st gent: Was that Martha who just ran by here

2nd gent: I believe it was

1st gent: Did you notice what she was wearing

2nd gent: Yes, and it looked like it needed a darn good ironing

Happy April Fool's Day Adventure Point

Too funny Hats !


My contribution :


A woman goes to a dentist's office , the dentist says "Take A Number & Sit Down" . The woman says "Oh , I'd Rather Have A Baby" . The dentist replies "Make Up Your Mind , I Got To Adjust The Chair" .

Great one Faust, I love a good laugh, the raunchier the better

Ok then ! how about this one ! :


q : what is 6 inches long , & reeks of bacon ?

a: kermit the frog's finger

One more :


Q: Why do tampons have strings on each end ?

A: For flossing after every meal



I've got more , but , the jokes , some of them , are vulgar . I have a friend who is a truck driver , so that should explain it some .

StarLite that was funny

hatshepsut

Quote :

I've got more , but , the jokes , some of them , are vulgar .

Actually, Faust, I think you've already come close to that border.

Too much Faust,

I love truck drivers they do have a great sense of raunchy humor. Ok book time, have you ever read

Tiger's Revenge by Clawed Balls

Antlers Up A Tree by Who Goosed The Moose

Skid Marks In The Desert by Diarrhea Dan (personally I thought that one stunk)

Ok, three old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A man stands in front of them and opens his coat exposing himself to the old ladies.

The first old lady had a stroke

The second old lady had a stroke

The third lady's arms were just a little too short

I've read those books StarLite ! Have you ever read :

Yellow River by I.P. Freely

Fall Off Mt Everest by Eileen Dover

40 Days On A Horse by Colonel Blueballs

Go To Hades by Hugo First



jk : Close to that border ? Maybe . I haven't crossed that border though. Think I'm happy where I am !

Under the Bleachers by I.C. Butts.

Going To The Outhouse by Willie Makit illustrated by Betty Dont

Brown Spots On The Walls by Who Flung Dung

hatshepsut

Ok Faust, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Here we go,

A highfalutin couple are sitting in a classy restaurant having dinner when all of a sudden the lady lets out a loud fart that could be heard half way across the room. Embarrassed and not wanting anyone to know that it came from her, the lady turns to the waiter standing beside her and says to him, "Please stop that", so the waiter turns to the lady and says, "Sure, which way is it headed."

Good one , StarLite ! Scraping the bottom of the barrel ? Well , maybe this is the leftovers then ! :

Three penises were having a conversation one day . The first says "My master's nice , he pets me" . The second says "My master's nice , he rubs me " . The third says "My master's mean to me ! He puts me in a cave , & makes me do pushups until I puke ! "

Right on Faust, ok this is really pulling it out of my a**

Two guys wanted to go drinking one Friday night but after pooling their resources found they didn't have much money. So the one fellow gets an idea,

1st guy: I have a cunning plan where we can get drunk and not have to pay a dime. Follow me

So they go to the local store and the fellow buys a package of wieners, takes one out of the pack and throws the rest away

2nd guy: What did you do that for, we don't have much money as it is and you go and do that

1st guy: Hear me out, here's the plan. We'll go into the bars and after we finish our drinks and it comes time to pay, I'll put this wiener down here and you get down and start sucking on it. Once the bartender sees this he'll throw us out. We have enough for a drink each in case it doesn't work, let's go try it out

So the two guys go into the bar, finish their drink and when it came time to pay, they put their plan into action. As soon as the bartender seen it, he said, "get the hell out of here, we don't allow that kind of behavior in here." The plan worked like a charm all night

As the two guys are staggering down the street after a night of free drinking the wiener sucker says to his friend

2nd guy: Hey, I'm sick of sucking on the wiener, give it to me and you suck on it for awhile

So the other guy says

1st guy: What wiener, I threw that thing away 8 bars ago

Too funny StarLite !!!!


After drinking all night in the bar , Joe needs to go to the bathroom . The bartender points Joe in the right direction , & Joe stumbles away . A couple minutes later , the bar tender hears a blood curdling scream ! He blows it off , only to hear another blood curdling scream a couple minutes later . The bar tender runs in the bathroom , & turns on the light . He asks Joe what is wrong . Joe says "Every time I reach over to flush the toilet , a snake comes up & bites me on my testicles !" . The bar tender looks at Joe , & says " You moron ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

Everyone please remember when posting that we do have some very young members who read the forums even though some of them don't post they do visit.

hatshepsut

Thanks hats. Good point. I like close to the knuckle jokes too (especially hilarious ones), but we do have some younger members that browse. I know that for a fact.

Use your judgement of what may be okay please folks.

Thanks.

You got it Gelert !!

Sorry about that, I thought it was starting to get a little over the top. Ok, truce, I'm starting to run out of ammo anyway

StarLite Moon wrote:

Sorry about that, I thought it was starting to get a little over the top. Ok, truce, I'm starting to run out of ammo anyway

Likewise !

Cheers folks. Some of you know how much I hate overbearing censorship. One of the reasons these forums came into being. But I still want the forums to be open and welcoming to everyone, young and old alike. Me being bl***y old of course.